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Before leaving for Comic-Con, we went to Ruby’s for lunch and discovered that they’d stopped wrapping up their burgers and started serving them on plates. If you’ve seen a Ruby’s burger, you know what a bad idea this is. If you haven’t, these burgers are easily 5″ in diameter, made with 1/3 pound of meat or an oversized veggie patty, and generously topped. I have problems holding one together, and my hands aren’t exactly small. I had ordered a mushroom burger, which promptly and repeatedly fell apart, sometimes on the plate and sometimes on my lap. We not only told the waitress but also filled out the comment card, in pen, and mailed it. Since then, I’ve made a point of asking for my burgers wrapped and sending them back to have them wrapped if the kitchen forgets. Putting my meal back together in between bites is not, in my opinion, a worthwhile way to spend my time.

Well, the madness is spreading. We went to Togo’s the other day and received our sandwiches on plates. Thankfully, they were less messy, but it irked me. What chain is going to be next? Fatburger? Johnny Rockets? Red Robin? God forbid, In-N-Out? Or will they catch a clue that not everyone is willing to trade personal cleanliness for “restaurant atmosphere?”

(And speaking of restaurant atmosphere: to all you managers out there, the Anxious Clown should not be your business model. Just because not all of us customers are Wednesday Addams, that’s no reason to think we all appreciate perky waiters with 29 pieces of flair, or will order food we don’t want just because said waiters suggest it. Please recognize that some of us are (horrors!) turned off by overattentiveness, and would much prefer to eat in peace. We will come back, but please know that this is in spite of your best efforts to impress us, and that our undergenerous tips are not meant to spur the above-mentioned waiters into greater hyperactivity–as any true service employee worth their tips should be able to tell from our reactions. If they can’t tell, maybe they’re not as great as you thought they were.)

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Dear [insert advice columnist here],

I moved out of my parents’ home four years ago and have been speaking to them and my sister less and less over time. They rarely have time to visit us, and it is impractical for us to visit them at their home, due to the amount of junk accumulated in their house and my husband’s allergies to their cats. When we do see each other, I find myself uncomfortable with them, both politically and socially, as our interests have diverged. Last Christmas, rather than give generic gifts that would go unused and further clutter their home, my husband and I chose to make donations to charities in their names, and picked foundations and causes important to them. At the time, they seemed to approve of our choice. However, three days ago, my mother called to ask if we would be doing this again so that she could tell everyone to donate for us instead of giving gifts. They are apparently displeased with our nontraditional method of holiday giving and do not want to give us tangible gifts if they will not receive them in return. I don’t mind this for myself, as I dislike the commercial mess Christmas has become, but I’m curious to know if others have received similar reactions, and what you make of the situation. I’m getting the impression that for some, the thought isn’t what counts.

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Today’s recipe:

HUMMUS

1 can (14 oz) chickpeas, drained, rinsed well
2 T unsweetened peanut butter
1 garlic clove
sea salt to taste
1/4 c olive oil
1/2 t cayenne pepper
juice of 1 lemon
1 T sesame seeds, toasted lightly
fresh bread for serving, toasted

Put first four ingredients in blender and blend until smooth. Keeping blender on, slowly add oil and lemon juice. Stir in cayenne peppper. If mixture is too thick, add some cold water. Transfer to serving bowl. Sprinkle cooled sesame seeds over pureed mixture. Spread on toasted slices of bread for serving. Serves 4.

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I’ve seen hummus made with cannellini beans, hummus with eggplant, hummus with yogurt, and hummus with extra parsley (think of a cross with tabbouli). But this is the first time I’ve seen hummus with peanut butter. I suppose if you’re not likely to find tahini in your area, it would make an acceptable substitute. Still, shouldn’t you try to find tahini first? I’d imagine that stores in a lot of areas might be more likely to carry that than unsweetened peanut butter in the first place. Or you could just blend a couple tablespoons of plain peanuts for a while before adding the chickpeas. But the real problem here is that nobody’s going to be expecting peanuts in hummus. And if you have someone who can eat chickpeas but not peanuts, that could be bad.

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My dresser is an IKEA kit and was something of a bear to assemble. The second drawer down has recently developed the annoying habit of not closing on the first go, and I feel a strange obligation to fix it but I’m not sure how. It’d be nice if the stuff would come with more instructions for maintenance.

So this gets me thinking: IKEA furniture is Lego for grown-ups. You go to the store, look at the cool pictures, and pick up a box of parts to make the model you want. When you get it home and open the box, sometimes the picture inside doesn’t look like what you saw in the store, but you think, “Oh, what the hell, I’ll make it anyway, maybe I’ll figure out how to make the other thing later.” So you count up all the little pieces and lay them out and once in a while there’s some stuff missing but you always have extras around because every other set you have included the same interchangeable parts and didn’t need them all. When you start assembling it, you’re just about guaranteed to miss a step or do something out of order and have a tough time getting the pieces apart to put them back together right. And when you’re done, part of the enjoyment of having the finished product around is looking at it and thinking, “Hey, look what I made!”

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Today’s recipe:

SHORT-CUT ZUCCHINI

1 lb zucchini, sliced
1/4 c butter
1/4 t garlic salt
salt and pepper to taste
2 T water
3 T Parmesan cheese, grated

Melt butter in a pan. Add zucchini, seasonings and water. Cover pan and simmer on low for about 10 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and cook another 5 minutes. Serve immediately. Serves 3

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I just looked up my last grocery receipt, and the two rather pathetic zucchini I bought were .89 pounds. So, a pound of zucchini is about two medium-large squash. The idea of needing half a stick of butter to adequately season two zucchini is sickening. That’s over a tablespoon of butter per serving as they’ve outlined it. Not to mention that 15 minutes of cooking time, even on low, is far from a shortcut in the age of the microwave, and will probably cause the zucchini to disintegrate if you’re not careful. No wonder it doesn’t say anywhere that you should stir it…..