Inspired by finding a list of Babylon 5 viruses earlier this week.

Harry Potter virus: Looks like the last file of a virus you just wiped out, until you try to erase it–then it wipes your drive.

Voldemort virus: You can’t get rid of it, only make it dormant. It can be reactivated by the Wormtail virus up to thirteen years later.

Dumbledore virus: Scares off all the other viruses but never seems to actually *do* anything.

Hermione virus: Fills up all available drive space with files of useless information.

Ron virus: Contains code, some of it buggy, from the author’s five previous viruses.

Draco Malfoy virus: Changes all your screensavers to insults.

Remus Lupin virus: Your computer becomes immune to all other virus and worm attacks, but three days out of the month it becomes a Commodore 64.

Weasley virus: Able to replicate even in limited space conditions.

Ginny virus: Looks like just another copy of the Weasley virus, but wreaks havoc every time you blog.

Tom Riddle virus: Masquerades as the Ginny virus, then retreats into memory.

Luna Lovegood virus: Repeatedly points your web browser to conspiracy-theory sites.

Slytherin virus: Your computer no longer reads hybrid CDs.

Gryffindor virus: All your games are reconfigured so you can no longer “Save As.”

Hufflepuff virus: Increases the efficiency of your computer, but gets no credit for it.

11 thoughts on “Harry Potter computer viruses

  1. More……

    Wormtail virus: Comes on board cleverly disguised as a screen-pet. Will reactivate the Voldemort virus if it’s there, but otherwise doesn’t do much.

    Crookshanks virus: Makes your mouse cursor unstable.

    Lucius Malfoy virus: Downloads satanic propaganda onto your computer if you bought your system for less than $500.

    Dolores Umbridge virus: Uninstalls all your virus checkers and firewalls, revokes your EFF and Blue Ribbon Campaign memberships, and turns your name over to the Homeland Security people.

    Gringotts virus: Changes your default web browser to Galeon.

  2. Hagrid virus: tracks your online purchases and uses your billing info to ship wild animals to your office or place of residence.

    Sibyl Trelawney virus: creates a scrolling news bar at the bottom of the screen periodically predicting your computer’s imminent crash.

    Mad-Eye Moody virus: executes virus scan software every five minutes.

    Gilderoy Lockhart virus: announces its presence upon infecting your computer and at random intervals thereafter. Does little else, but reformats hard drive on attempts to remove it. An error in its code will cause the virus to delete itself if Ron virus is active.

    Severus Snape virus: provides some protection from other viruses but reduces system performance by continuously monitoring activity with outdated, complicated subroutines. Contains code for, and regularly scans but does not display on screen, depressing video files which can only be viewed in Pensieve Player 2.0. Also includes a set of help files that tend not to open.

  3. Draco Virus: Does nothing but make snide pop-ups for four years. Then inexplicably boosts effectivness of Voldemort and Umbridge Virus.
    Fudge Virus: Destroys any attempts to delete Voldemort Virus.
    Sirus Virus: Gets deleted in a really stupid way.

  4. Slughorn virus: Submits your address book to Sixdegrees and only sends itself to people within 3 degrees of rich, powerful, and/or famous people.

    Horcrux virus: You know it’s out there, and several copies of it too, but you can’t find any because they’re not active yet.

    Flitwick virus: Way optimized code.

    Tonks virus: Knocks over your Recycle Bin, then changes its filetype.

    Hogwarts virus: Has four main attacks, only two of which ever get anything done because the other two are too busy canceling each other out. Nearly impervious to attempts to remove it, but it can be pushed to self-destruction.

    Golden Snitch virus: You can’t catch it anyway, so why worry?

    Sorting Hat virus: Reorganizes all your files on a 4-pronged tree system.

    Neville Longbottom virus: Corrupts all your RAM. Effect is somewhat mitigated by installing Remembrall (TM) 1.2 or higher; however, the virus will eventually delete this program.

  5. Voldemort Virus: Comes as only half a virus, and leeches off other viruses. After being deleted 3 times it will… still return.

  6. Perfect! Oh, Katie, for the Delores Umbridge virus, you should have ended it with, “…and turns your name over to / reports you to the Department of Homeland Security.” I am only observing, not criticizing. Good work, though.

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