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Dear [insert advice columnist here],

I moved out of my parents’ home four years ago and have been speaking to them and my sister less and less over time. They rarely have time to visit us, and it is impractical for us to visit them at their home, due to the amount of junk accumulated in their house and my husband’s allergies to their cats. When we do see each other, I find myself uncomfortable with them, both politically and socially, as our interests have diverged. Last Christmas, rather than give generic gifts that would go unused and further clutter their home, my husband and I chose to make donations to charities in their names, and picked foundations and causes important to them. At the time, they seemed to approve of our choice. However, three days ago, my mother called to ask if we would be doing this again so that she could tell everyone to donate for us instead of giving gifts. They are apparently displeased with our nontraditional method of holiday giving and do not want to give us tangible gifts if they will not receive them in return. I don’t mind this for myself, as I dislike the commercial mess Christmas has become, but I’m curious to know if others have received similar reactions, and what you make of the situation. I’m getting the impression that for some, the thought isn’t what counts.

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Today’s recipe:

HUMMUS

1 can (14 oz) chickpeas, drained, rinsed well
2 T unsweetened peanut butter
1 garlic clove
sea salt to taste
1/4 c olive oil
1/2 t cayenne pepper
juice of 1 lemon
1 T sesame seeds, toasted lightly
fresh bread for serving, toasted

Put first four ingredients in blender and blend until smooth. Keeping blender on, slowly add oil and lemon juice. Stir in cayenne peppper. If mixture is too thick, add some cold water. Transfer to serving bowl. Sprinkle cooled sesame seeds over pureed mixture. Spread on toasted slices of bread for serving. Serves 4.

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I’ve seen hummus made with cannellini beans, hummus with eggplant, hummus with yogurt, and hummus with extra parsley (think of a cross with tabbouli). But this is the first time I’ve seen hummus with peanut butter. I suppose if you’re not likely to find tahini in your area, it would make an acceptable substitute. Still, shouldn’t you try to find tahini first? I’d imagine that stores in a lot of areas might be more likely to carry that than unsweetened peanut butter in the first place. Or you could just blend a couple tablespoons of plain peanuts for a while before adding the chickpeas. But the real problem here is that nobody’s going to be expecting peanuts in hummus. And if you have someone who can eat chickpeas but not peanuts, that could be bad.

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My dresser is an IKEA kit and was something of a bear to assemble. The second drawer down has recently developed the annoying habit of not closing on the first go, and I feel a strange obligation to fix it but I’m not sure how. It’d be nice if the stuff would come with more instructions for maintenance.

So this gets me thinking: IKEA furniture is Lego for grown-ups. You go to the store, look at the cool pictures, and pick up a box of parts to make the model you want. When you get it home and open the box, sometimes the picture inside doesn’t look like what you saw in the store, but you think, “Oh, what the hell, I’ll make it anyway, maybe I’ll figure out how to make the other thing later.” So you count up all the little pieces and lay them out and once in a while there’s some stuff missing but you always have extras around because every other set you have included the same interchangeable parts and didn’t need them all. When you start assembling it, you’re just about guaranteed to miss a step or do something out of order and have a tough time getting the pieces apart to put them back together right. And when you’re done, part of the enjoyment of having the finished product around is looking at it and thinking, “Hey, look what I made!”

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Today’s recipe:

SHORT-CUT ZUCCHINI

1 lb zucchini, sliced
1/4 c butter
1/4 t garlic salt
salt and pepper to taste
2 T water
3 T Parmesan cheese, grated

Melt butter in a pan. Add zucchini, seasonings and water. Cover pan and simmer on low for about 10 minutes. Sprinkle with cheese and cook another 5 minutes. Serve immediately. Serves 3

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I just looked up my last grocery receipt, and the two rather pathetic zucchini I bought were .89 pounds. So, a pound of zucchini is about two medium-large squash. The idea of needing half a stick of butter to adequately season two zucchini is sickening. That’s over a tablespoon of butter per serving as they’ve outlined it. Not to mention that 15 minutes of cooking time, even on low, is far from a shortcut in the age of the microwave, and will probably cause the zucchini to disintegrate if you’re not careful. No wonder it doesn’t say anywhere that you should stir it…..

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There’s at least one company based in Greece that distributes authentic Greek yogurt in the U.S. The stuff can be tricky to find, but incredibly worth it. It’s very thick and creamy and doesn’t contain any gelatin or preservatives. The fat-free version could probably help a lot of people lose weight, as it tastes like sour cream and tzatziki made with it is addictive. Trader Joe’s has been carrying it pretty reliably, but as Whole Foods is closer, we don’t get to TJ’s on a regular basis. However, on our last trip to Whole Foods, they had it, right there in with the rest of the yogurt. And the peasants rejoiced.

Tonight, I went looking for it and instead found a sign: “Whole Foods Market has temporarily decided not to carry Fage Greek Yogurt. Please look for this product again in the future.” So let me get this straight: you just recently decided to carry it and now you’re putting it on hiatus for some unknown reason. What the hell? Or do I want to know what the reason is?

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I accidentally hit ctrl-H in our computer system today…..and it acted like backspace. I have never before run into a modern, GUI-based program where that would happen. Then again, I don’t recall ever trying it, either.

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Now here’s a prep time I’d like to see someone achieve:

MELON, PINEAPPLE AND GRAPE COCKTAIL

(can be prepared in 6 minutes from start to finish)

1 melon
1 fresh pineapple
1 c seedless green grapes, halved
3/4 c white grape juice
fresh mint leaves for garnish

Remove seeds from melon. Use a melon baller to scoop out melon. Remove skin from pineapple; core and cut into bite-size pieces. Combine fruits in serving bowl and pour white grape juice over all. Serve immediately or cover and chill until ready to serve. Garnish with mint leaves. Serves 4-6.

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Now, if you were to start counting from the time you finish slicing grapes, an Iron Chef (or the French guy who can debone a whole chicken in 60 seconds) might be able to do this in 6 minutes. But unless you’ve got the world’s smallest melon (what kind, anyway?), even I, trained by a mom who trained with Hawaiians in the art of butchering pineapple, would be hard pressed to make it in even 10. I’ve also noticed that this calendar seems to think it impossible to make fruit salad without some kind of juice marinade, which is a foreign concept to me. Is it a function of California versus the Midwest again? Something to do with having better and juicier fruit here? Or do some people just think all salad has to have dressing?