Tag: Long

Posted on
by

Things that went through my head while watching Troy:

  • That’s a bloody awful lot of ships.
  • OK, so where’s Cassandra in all this?
  • Gee, the way they’re portraying Agamemnon, I’m glad his wife is going to kill him when he gets home.
  • That’s odd, the computer-generated orc army looked more realistic than the computer-generated Greeks.
  • Ah, political context. They’re right, it doesn’t make sense to send that many soldiers just to avenge one man’s honor. There’s usually something else going on.
  • Where the hell is Cassandra?
  • Wait, wasn’t this supposed to take 10 years?
  • Aeneas, eh? Nice throw-away line!
  • Wow, this Agamemnon really is a bastard. I wish I could remember what happens to Brise– uh, waitaminute.
  • Uh, what happened to Cassandra?

Posted on
by

After reading a scathing review of the Hugh Jackman/Kate Beckinsale movie Van Helsing, which differed from my own experience more in reaction than in fact (mine was much closer to the experience excellently summarized by sekl—which makes sense, considering I was two seats away), I started thinking about just why I enjoyed the movie.

Because, to be honest, it was terrible.

But terrible in a strangely entertaining way.

While watching it, I thought—many times—that this is what happens when you put every cliché you can think of into one movie. (“Oh, of course the road goes along the edge of a cliff!”) Depending on your mood, it could be the most tedious or most hilarious thing you’ve ever seen. I also spent most of the movie trying to figure out whether or not it was intended to be a comedy.

And thinking back on that, it hit me. Van Helsing is the monster movie equivalent of The Eye of Argon.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, The Eye of Argon is reputed to be the worst fantasy story ever written. It’s the tale of the barbarian Grignr and his quest to steal the titular jewel, filled with cruel swordsmen, an evil wizard, disgusting creatures and a beautiful, captive princess, written with prose so purple it’s a wonder it doesn’t creep into the ultraviolet. And yet, reading it, you can never be sure whether it’s intentional parody or an earnest effort by someone who just didn’t realize how bad it was.

Traditionally, Eye of Argon is read as a group, each person trying to keep a straight face as long as possible and passing it on to the next once he or she bursts out laughing. Sometimes getting through a whole sentence about “livid wilderness lands” or “keen auditory organs” is a real challenge!

Read The Eye of Argon… if you dare!

Edited June 19: The the site I originally linked to has vanished, so I’ve re-linked to a copy that’s still up.

Posted on
by

In light of the recent announcement of boxed sets of the original Star Trek (Region 2, but Region 1 sets are on their way next year), I found myself thinking of some of the fizzier nicknames for the shows.

Since Next Gen came out just a few years after the New Coke fiasco, the names Classic Trek and New Trek stuck. Early in DS9’s life I remember hearing someone refer to Diet Cherry Trek. Which leads to an obvious question:

What types of soft drink are Voyager and Enterprise?

Posted on
by

Remember the song “How’s it Gonna Be” by Third Eye Blind? When it was new, a lot of high schools apparently chose it for the prom theme, proving that teenagers don’t actually listen to the lyrics (it’s a breakup song), which should mitigate parental concerns about explicit lyrics.

Anyway, Katie and I were talking about this the other day and started tossing around titles of songs that would be just plain wrong to play at a wedding reception.

  • You Oughta Know (Alanis Morissette)
  • Paradise by the Dashboard Light (Meat Loaf)
  • Song for the Dumped (Ben Folds)
  • Closer (Nine Inch Nails)
  • Brick (Ben Folds Five)
  • Playboy Mommy (Tori Amos)
  • Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Deep Blue Something)
  • Anything But Down (Sheryl Crow)
  • Back to Good (Matchbox 20)
  • Me and a Gun (Tori Amos)
  • Anything by Liz Phair
  • Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) (Vertical Horizon)
  • Guys Like Me (Aimee Mann)
  • Anything by Evanescence or Linkin Park
  • Melanie (“Weird Al” Yankovic)
  • Almost anything by They Might Be Giants
  • Don’t Stand So Close to Me (The Police)
  • Eleanor Rigby (The Beatles)
  • I Touch Myself (The Divinyls)
  • Anything by Rammstein
  • Gollum’s Song
  • Anything by the Chipmunks
  • I Don’t Like Mondays (Boomtown Rats)
  • Anything by Nirvana
  • I’m So Happy I Can’t Stop Crying (Sting)
  • King of Pain (The Police)
  • I’m Still Remembering (Cranberries)
  • One More Minute (“Weird Al” Yankovic)
  • If I Were Brave (Shawn Colvin)
  • Jumper (Third Eye Blind)
  • Yesterday (The Beatles)
  • Roxanne (The Police)
  • I’ll Never Tell (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More With Feeling)
  • Anything by Garbage
  • Positively Fourth Street (Bob Dylan)
  • Torn (Natalie Imbruglia)
  • Taxi (Harry Chapin)
  • The Freshmen (Verve Pipe)
  • Power of Goodbye (Madonna)
  • Waitress (Tori Amos)
  • Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)
  • Uninvited (Alanis Morissette)
  • Unsent (Alanis Morissette)

We’re not sure about The Highwayman and Lady of Shalott (Loreena McKennit), since the subject matter is wrong, but they’re quiet and unobtrusive.

This is an open list – feel free to add your suggestions! The idea is not just to get something that isn’t appropriate, but something that’s especially inappropriate (breakup songs, twisted relationships, put-down songs, etc.)

Posted on
by

I always knew salespeople were audacious. I didn’t know until yesterday that some of it stems from the audacity of their higher-ups. We went to South Coast yesterday in search of, well, lingerie. So we found the Victoria’s Secret. I went to look for my size in a rack of something and a cute, sparkly-faced saleschick interposed herself asking what size I was looking for. A dialogue ensued regarding weight loss and undergarment entropy and how many different sizes I had been found to need in the last few months. I was about to do as she was implying was The Way here and go try on their samples rather than sully the merchandise when she brought up the “Angels Card.”

“You get over $75 in potential savings over the course of a year, and two years of our catalog!” she chirped.

I pulled out my standard response. “I wouldn’t use it enough.”

“Oh, you don’t have to. It’s completely free.”

Fine. “Eh, why not.”

“Fantastic! It’s just five easy questions.” Uh-oh. The catch. “Do you have a credit card for reference?” I did. Swipe. “And can I have your social?”

Riiiiight. Like I’m going to give that out to someone I don’t know, who doesn’t work for the SSA or my employer, in the middle of a store full of strangers. “I’m sorry, I don’t give out my social.”

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone look so confused in weeks. “But–but we don’t give your information out to anyone.”

“That’s fine, but I don’t give out my social.”

So, no Angels Card. Not that I want it, at that price (or the price they charge for underwear, either). But I’m left wondering, what the fuck does Victoria’s Secret need with my social? The credit card should be enough, and handing that over was borderline. If it’s free, it’s free. You’re not promising them any money or business, and in fact you start out by costing them in paper and printing expenses. You don’t need to be a citizen to buy underwear. What gives?

Posted on
by

Yes, it’s real! Last week Katie remarked we were running low on coffee, and I remembered an article on MozillaZine a few weeks ago about RJ Tarpley’s Mozilla Coffee. I figured, what the heck, let’s order some. It’s a way to get coffee and support Mozilla at the same time.

An open box containing a bag of Mozilla Coffee.

We went out for a late lunch/early dinner today, and as we came up the stairs we noticed a note tucked into the doorframe. At first I figured UPS had left a “sorry we missed you” note, but when we got up to the landing, the doormat was propped up on a six inch tall box! (That and it turned out to be FedEx, but I digress.) “Hey, no one will notice if we hide this under the doormat!”

We haven’t tried it yet, but we’ll post the results of our taste-test once we do.

Posted on
by

Inspired by finding a list of Babylon 5 viruses earlier this week.

Harry Potter virus: Looks like the last file of a virus you just wiped out, until you try to erase it–then it wipes your drive.

Voldemort virus: You can’t get rid of it, only make it dormant. It can be reactivated by the Wormtail virus up to thirteen years later.

Dumbledore virus: Scares off all the other viruses but never seems to actually *do* anything.

Hermione virus: Fills up all available drive space with files of useless information.

Ron virus: Contains code, some of it buggy, from the author’s five previous viruses.

Continue reading →